Words Left Unsaid 

My father died when I was 16 years old. I remember that day so vividly. One day he was there, the next he was gone. I remember how he left that day. He stormed out and I felt the vibrations of the door he slammed behind him. I was happy he left. The anger and rage I felt was too much for my heart. He’d caused me pain for much too long.

The pain I felt that day was incomparable to the pain I felt when I didn’t hear his knock at the door anymore. Or the pain I felt when I didn’t smell his cologne or see him lying in his favorite spot. 

I regretted that day ever since, happy to see him leave. I relive the memory every time a door closes. When a relationship ends, when I am left alone. I feel the vibrations of the door. The words that were left unsaid always linger in my mind. Wishing that I wouldn’t have been so happy. 

Becoming Myself 

Becoming yourself is a beautiful, crazy, messy journey filled with tears, heartaches and laughter.

It took me while to realize that through the ups and downs, God was slowly shaping the woman I am today. Even the woman I will become.

We never stop growing, evolving…everyday we are chipped and molded into who we were born to be. 

I’ve learned to stop searching for the missing pieces. I’ve stopped searching for them in the accolades, people, image. I need the peace that fills me and muffles out the loudness of the day. 

I find in solitude in the darkness of my room, when my eyes are filled with tears and I give my heartache to the one who understands me best. 

I’m content with not knowing it all. I’m content with the fact that this life is a journey.  I’m becoming myself…

A War in my Members 

I’ve been in a fight with myself before…

Anxious thoughts entangled me, choking out any sense of peace I once had

The struggle intensified with every passing moment. What was the purpose of my breath? What was the purpose of my being?

I felt lifeless and unable to continue 

I can remember that moment when I almost let go

No one knew and I doubted no one could understand. I came to terms with the fact that I was broken

I didn’t want to be viewed as weak, unable to finish the course set before me but I was…

I was tired, heart heavy with pain. Tired from being all to others but nothing to myself

In that moment. A decision needed to be made

A small voice pierced through the loudness of the chaotic chatter in my mind

A voice of pure love telling me that I was more than the bottle

I was more than the ending I planned

That my purpose was bigger than that moment

I hold on to that memory and will forever immortalize the day when I won the fight against myself 

16 and 21

I remember those intimate moments the ones that left me in an impressionable state
I remember how the sunset’s orange and red reflections danced through your blinds as I laid next to you creating moments in my head that would never come

I remember looking out the window thinking that I would eventually regret this thing. This thing we called love but was only a temporary solution to the loneliness we felt

Maybe I gave my all too fast it was too much trying too much praying on my knees attempting to find peace within the madness of your soul

Now that you’re gone these memories I don’t think on often 

But when I do I smile

They taught me the value of salvation and seeking forgiveness

 They taught me strength and power

I now that I’ve come to this resolution I won’t hurt anymore when I say I remember…

That Ugly Thing Called Pride 

Life is a stage, we wear the mask and our audience is the world

I deceive myself pumping my pride with approval and fueling my rejection with criticism 

I’m always waiting for my next audition, knowing I can play the part but sick of living out these screenplays not knowing the true identity of the actress

Pride manipulates itself into performance, it’s not just that you want to achieve…you have to achieve

If you fail, you diminish any sense of self worth you have. 

Everyone enjoys a good review but what happens when the play ends? 

Unfortunately, pride can be our biggest area of blindness. It can be right before us and we will fail to see it or to call it pride. It is rooted in rejection and rebellion. We react to rejection with perfectionism and as we become “perfect,” we achieve the carnal goals of having things just as we want them. We begin to puff up with pride. “I want somebody to love me, so I’ll set myself a goal, achieve it and say, look at me; look what I’ve done.” We develop an exaggerated opinion of ourselves, vanity follows, with excessive pride.
Pride is one of many of fear’s offspring. The reason is that we think that if I puff up I will scare away the threat that I am faced with whether it be rejection, loss, a tarnished reputation, demotion and so on. Live in freedom knowing that perfection is not a prerequisite for God’s love. 

 I Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

I Should Wait

I wanted to share what’s on my mind but I think I should wait
Better yet, maybe I should tell you now before you come to me

Don’t want to play with your time so I won’t hesitate 

When I look in your eyes I see a blazing fire, it’s a desire to know you personally, intimately 

I want to get closer, afraid because I’ve been burned before 

Scorched to the core like hot iron burning into flesh 

pain has seared my heart

Like a masters mark on a slave, an unwanted memory of who I once belonged to

I’ve since underwent cosmetic surgery 

Removed that part of me that was once tender

I put my guard up because I still remember the events really don’t fade once you’ve been hurt 

That wall blocks me from coming to you and giving you all that you’re worth 

Even though you’re what I desire 

so understand I’m trying to be present

I’m trying to be with you living out these happy moments. 

I wanted to share what’s on my mind but I think I should wait…