Words Left Unsaid 

My father died when I was 16 years old. I remember that day so vividly. One day he was there, the next he was gone. I remember how he left that day. He stormed out and I felt the vibrations of the door he slammed behind him. I was happy he left. The anger and rage I felt was too much for my heart. He’d caused me pain for much too long.

The pain I felt that day was incomparable to the pain I felt when I didn’t hear his knock at the door anymore. Or the pain I felt when I didn’t smell his cologne or see him lying in his favorite spot. 

I regretted that day ever since, happy to see him leave. I relive the memory every time a door closes. When a relationship ends, when I am left alone. I feel the vibrations of the door. The words that were left unsaid always linger in my mind. Wishing that I wouldn’t have been so happy. 

Becoming Myself 

Becoming yourself is a beautiful, crazy, messy journey filled with tears, heartaches and laughter.

It took me while to realize that through the ups and downs, God was slowly shaping the woman I am today. Even the woman I will become.

We never stop growing, evolving…everyday we are chipped and molded into who we were born to be. 

I’ve learned to stop searching for the missing pieces. I’ve stopped searching for them in the accolades, people, image. I need the peace that fills me and muffles out the loudness of the day. 

I find in solitude in the darkness of my room, when my eyes are filled with tears and I give my heartache to the one who understands me best. 

I’m content with not knowing it all. I’m content with the fact that this life is a journey.  I’m becoming myself…

A War in my Members 

I’ve been in a fight with myself before…

Anxious thoughts entangled me, choking out any sense of peace I once had

The struggle intensified with every passing moment. What was the purpose of my breath? What was the purpose of my being?

I felt lifeless and unable to continue 

I can remember that moment when I almost let go

No one knew and I doubted no one could understand. I came to terms with the fact that I was broken

I didn’t want to be viewed as weak, unable to finish the course set before me but I was…

I was tired, heart heavy with pain. Tired from being all to others but nothing to myself

In that moment. A decision needed to be made

A small voice pierced through the loudness of the chaotic chatter in my mind

A voice of pure love telling me that I was more than the bottle

I was more than the ending I planned

That my purpose was bigger than that moment

I hold on to that memory and will forever immortalize the day when I won the fight against myself 

16 and 21

I remember those intimate moments the ones that left me in an impressionable state
I remember how the sunset’s orange and red reflections danced through your blinds as I laid next to you creating moments in my head that would never come

I remember looking out the window thinking that I would eventually regret this thing. This thing we called love but was only a temporary solution to the loneliness we felt

Maybe I gave my all too fast it was too much trying too much praying on my knees attempting to find peace within the madness of your soul

Now that you’re gone these memories I don’t think on often 

But when I do I smile

They taught me the value of salvation and seeking forgiveness

 They taught me strength and power

I now that I’ve come to this resolution I won’t hurt anymore when I say I remember…