Growth 

I wasn’t going to share this but I’m learning that every experience, good or bad, is used to help you grow. 

I was hurt and embarrassed for the past two months. I recently put myself into a situationship with someone I actually started to develop deep feelings for. Unfortunately, things ended and I was left confused, trying to piece everything together. I had so many different feelings of disappointment, sadness, feeling like I wasn’t good enough and the list goes on…

I did not understand why this person did not care for me as much as I cared for them. I decided that I had to disconnect from the relationship to protect my feelings going further. 

It’s always two sides to a story and this isn’t a diss against the person I was dating. He was good person that was not ready for a commitment; however, I was angry that I put myself into a vulnerable place to be disappointed because I wanted something more.

I made a commitment to not have my heart broken again and after 2 years of not dating, I was embarrassed at that fact that it was. With all that being said, I’ve come to the point of understanding that forgiveness isn’t a choice but is necessary for healing.

Where’s Your Truth?

I was hurt and did not think that it was okay to admit it. As a defense mechanism, I’ve learned over the years to shrug things off because I felt like my feelings weren’t valid. I acted as if nothing phased me and I could care less if a person left or stayed in my life. 

Lies.

I was hurting and developed feelings for this person which is natural when you invest in a relationship. Admitting the truth was the first step.

Forgiveness is Like a Breath of Fresh air 

Secondly, I forgave the guy I dated but I did not forgive myself. I hate playing the victim role and I hold myself accountable for the mistakes I made. The sad part was that I started to carry around a load of guilt. This guilt affected the way I viewed myself. I kept thinking that I could’ve avoided the entire situation. I kept replaying what I should’ve done. I had to realize that things played out the exact way God intended them to. I could’ve done some things differently but I didn’t. I could’ve said some things but I didn’t. I had to let go of the what ifs and move on. Now I’m at the point where I forgive myself for being vulnerable in the wrong situation. I forgave myself for failing to not make the same mistake again.

Focusing on Moving Forward 

Healing is a process and without doing this properly, you can jeopardize your progress. Hurt stunts your growth. I lost interest in the things that brought me joy. I was lethargic. 

I had to get back to me. 

So I returned to my fitness routines, writing and volunteering. Doing this shouldn’t be motivated by a “I’m going to let him see what he is missing attitude” which I had a first lol but should be motivated by loving yourself. Loving yourself means embracing that you are not perfect and that life can’t be perfect. You take the ups and downs and move forward knowing that nothing you experience is in vain.

Much Love,

The Wanderer 💜

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An Ode to You – 3/10/17

Maybe over time you’ll remove the fear guarding your chest cavity then I can prove how deep my love could penetrate the confines of your heart. 

It’s sad that I’m realizing no matter what I give, I’m still no competition for time. No comparison to the past. In your eyes, I can’t measure up to it. 

With my love, I could fill the voids. Respect your sanctuary, your sanctity your mind.

You’ve written letters to the one you thought you would spend eternity with, conversation whispered at night, empty words combined with intentionally unkept promises.

Let me show you something different. Let me give you peace and comfort. Let me give you commitment and confidence. 

To be vulnerable is a gift, to love is to sacrifice and that’s all I want you to experience…

Sincerely Yours,
 

Becoming Myself 

Becoming yourself is a beautiful, crazy, messy journey filled with tears, heartaches and laughter.

It took me while to realize that through the ups and downs, God was slowly shaping the woman I am today. Even the woman I will become.

We never stop growing, evolving…everyday we are chipped and molded into who we were born to be. 

I’ve learned to stop searching for the missing pieces. I’ve stopped searching for them in the accolades, people, image. I need the peace that fills me and muffles out the loudness of the day. 

I find in solitude in the darkness of my room, when my eyes are filled with tears and I give my heartache to the one who understands me best. 

I’m content with not knowing it all. I’m content with the fact that this life is a journey.  I’m becoming myself…

A War in my Members 

I’ve been in a fight with myself before…

Anxious thoughts entangled me, choking out any sense of peace I once had

The struggle intensified with every passing moment. What was the purpose of my breath? What was the purpose of my being?

I felt lifeless and unable to continue 

I can remember that moment when I almost let go

No one knew and I doubted no one could understand. I came to terms with the fact that I was broken

I didn’t want to be viewed as weak, unable to finish the course set before me but I was…

I was tired, heart heavy with pain. Tired from being all to others but nothing to myself

In that moment. A decision needed to be made

A small voice pierced through the loudness of the chaotic chatter in my mind

A voice of pure love telling me that I was more than the bottle

I was more than the ending I planned

That my purpose was bigger than that moment

I hold on to that memory and will forever immortalize the day when I won the fight against myself 

That Ugly Thing Called Pride 

Life is a stage, we wear the mask and our audience is the world

I deceive myself pumping my pride with approval and fueling my rejection with criticism 

I’m always waiting for my next audition, knowing I can play the part but sick of living out these screenplays not knowing the true identity of the actress

Pride manipulates itself into performance, it’s not just that you want to achieve…you have to achieve

If you fail, you diminish any sense of self worth you have. 

Everyone enjoys a good review but what happens when the play ends? 

Unfortunately, pride can be our biggest area of blindness. It can be right before us and we will fail to see it or to call it pride. It is rooted in rejection and rebellion. We react to rejection with perfectionism and as we become “perfect,” we achieve the carnal goals of having things just as we want them. We begin to puff up with pride. “I want somebody to love me, so I’ll set myself a goal, achieve it and say, look at me; look what I’ve done.” We develop an exaggerated opinion of ourselves, vanity follows, with excessive pride.
Pride is one of many of fear’s offspring. The reason is that we think that if I puff up I will scare away the threat that I am faced with whether it be rejection, loss, a tarnished reputation, demotion and so on. Live in freedom knowing that perfection is not a prerequisite for God’s love. 

 I Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.