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A Beautiful Mess

This year has been a perfect mixture of beauty and chaos. 

2017 was transformative and with a little bit over a month left in the year, I finally appreciate the beautiful messiness I experienced.

As frustrating as it was for me, letting go of my blueprint for 2017 was the best thing that happened.

I’ve never been more happier to embrace the journey, with its twists, unexpected detours and hidden surprises. 

Dealing with the unexpected shows us who we really are. Those moments help us examine ourselves. Our true maturity is determined when we cannot control life’s circumstances. How will we react when our plans fail? What attitude will we have when things don’t happen in the time that we expected them to?

Ultimately, we are being shaped into better versions of ourselves through the things we can’t control. 

I am hope to appreciate not having all the answers. I hope to trust that my process is developing me into the best version of myself. 

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Good Gift

The most important thing you could do for yourself is to accept who you are. In a world that teaches us to pick ourselves apart, learn to embrace your uniqueness. 

It took me a while to embrace my quirky awkwardness. It took me a while to embrace my my flaws- the ones that I zeroed in on every single day. It took me a while to embrace that these were the things that made me the person that I was. It was my magic. My beauty. 

Just simply me. 

As a potter shapes clay, we are fashioned in a way- designed by the Creator as good gifts. 

Every good present and every perfect gift comes from above, from the Father who made the sun, moon, and stars – James 1:17 

I enjoy receiving good gifts (I’m sure we all do), especially gifts that are thoughtful and come from the heart. 

Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you are a good gift.

Good gifts are cherished and appreciated 

Good gifts are valuable 

Good gifts are rare

So today, I charge you to change your perception and start seeing yourself as one of God’s masterpieces. 

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Sweetest Thing

You were patient enough to reach beyond the surface of who I was, you diligently discovered me
Embraced my feminity, spirituality, and soul 

In a world full of disappointments, it’s difficult to find a compassionate soul

It took my a while to realize that the pain I experienced made me appreciate you even more

Every hurt was worth it

 I would do it all again
…you sung me an honest hymn
It was sacred and felt like Sunday morning service when the Spirit is high – euphoric, exhilarating

…your love was like tradition 

Something that generations are built on, our love on display as artwork 

The comfort of knowing that you would be there through the difficult times was all I needed

My heart became an open door

The strength to love again was reborn in me

It’s the sweetest thing 

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Growth 

I wasn’t going to share this but I’m learning that every experience, good or bad, is used to help you grow. 

I was hurt and embarrassed for the past two months. I recently put myself into a situationship with someone I actually started to develop deep feelings for. Unfortunately, things ended and I was left confused, trying to piece everything together. I had so many different feelings of disappointment, sadness, feeling like I wasn’t good enough and the list goes on…

I did not understand why this person did not care for me as much as I cared for them. I decided that I had to disconnect from the relationship to protect my feelings going further. 

It’s always two sides to a story and this isn’t a diss against the person I was dating. He was good person that was not ready for a commitment; however, I was angry that I put myself into a vulnerable place to be disappointed because I wanted something more.

I made a commitment to not have my heart broken again and after 2 years of not dating, I was embarrassed at that fact that it was. With all that being said, I’ve come to the point of understanding that forgiveness isn’t a choice but is necessary for healing.

Where’s Your Truth?

I was hurt and did not think that it was okay to admit it. As a defense mechanism, I’ve learned over the years to shrug things off because I felt like my feelings weren’t valid. I acted as if nothing phased me and I could care less if a person left or stayed in my life. 

Lies.

I was hurting and developed feelings for this person which is natural when you invest in a relationship. Admitting the truth was the first step.

Forgiveness is Like a Breath of Fresh air 

Secondly, I forgave the guy I dated but I did not forgive myself. I hate playing the victim role and I hold myself accountable for the mistakes I made. The sad part was that I started to carry around a load of guilt. This guilt affected the way I viewed myself. I kept thinking that I could’ve avoided the entire situation. I kept replaying what I should’ve done. I had to realize that things played out the exact way God intended them to. I could’ve done some things differently but I didn’t. I could’ve said some things but I didn’t. I had to let go of the what ifs and move on. Now I’m at the point where I forgive myself for being vulnerable in the wrong situation. I forgave myself for failing to not make the same mistake again.

Focusing on Moving Forward 

Healing is a process and without doing this properly, you can jeopardize your progress. Hurt stunts your growth. I lost interest in the things that brought me joy. I was lethargic. 

I had to get back to me. 

So I returned to my fitness routines, writing and volunteering. Doing this shouldn’t be motivated by a “I’m going to let him see what he is missing attitude” which I had a first lol but should be motivated by loving yourself. Loving yourself means embracing that you are not perfect and that life can’t be perfect. You take the ups and downs and move forward knowing that nothing you experience is in vain.

Much Love,

The Wanderer 💜

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Run Away

I hope you find exactly what you are looking for 

Running 

Running away from the fact that you loved and you lost

I hope you run so far that you come to the end of yourself 

And have no choice but to collide into truth

Finding the peace and understanding that you’ve been desperately avoiding because being broken gets you more attention 

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It’s Worth It

Waiting is worth it

Especially when you find the one worth waiting for

I used to look for Prince Charming when I didn’t understand that real relationships take real work. I had some obnoxious list of wants. Rooted in vanity. This height, he needs to make this salary…pure foolishness. Now that I’m older, my priorities have definitely changed. 

I’ve learned that I need a partner, my ace. Someone who enjoys the things I enjoy: traveling, reading, volunteering, random 3am trips to 7-eleven for slurpees. I need someone who understands that life is too short to waste by not fulfilling their God given purpose. I need a best friend who is willing to lay down in the trenches when times get rough. I need a love that sees that I’m not perfect and is okay with that. 

And while I say that I need all these things, I must be willing to be all these things for my partner. If two people give their all to ensure that their partner is happy, both people win in the relationship. There is no room for lack. 

Waiting is rough…

There are times when I want to throw in the towel. Times when my standards are tested and I have to make the decision to stand firm or lower them. There are times when I wished relationships would’ve worked out. One thing I can be sure of is that I never want to regret not waiting and settling for someone who can’t reciprocate the love I give. 

So I purposefully decided to wait on these things.  It’s a reason for it all and I’ll continue to wait. It’s worth it. 

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Last Call 

I wanted more than you were willing to offer

You’ve proven my fears to be correct 

I can only thank you for your honesty even though my pride was the payment 

I shed tears that night…our last call 

I was angry for allowing myself to be vulnerable again- open to someone who had no intentions of loving me 

One day I won’t be a thought. The moments we shared will disappear from your memory with time and separation.

Finalizing the end of it all