Existing Not Living

My soul is empty here

Whistfully floating in a space where silence is my comfort 

No reason to dream. 

I’ve come to terms with my hopelessness 

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Growth 

I wasn’t going to share this but I’m learning that every experience, good or bad, is used to help you grow. 

I was hurt and embarrassed for the past two months. I recently put myself into a situationship with someone I actually started to develop deep feelings for. Unfortunately, things ended and I was left confused, trying to piece everything together. I had so many different feelings of disappointment, sadness, feeling like I wasn’t good enough and the list goes on…

I did not understand why this person did not care for me as much as I cared for them. I decided that I had to disconnect from the relationship to protect my feelings going further. 

It’s always two sides to a story and this isn’t a diss against the person I was dating. He was good person that was not ready for a commitment; however, I was angry that I put myself into a vulnerable place to be disappointed because I wanted something more.

I made a commitment to not have my heart broken again and after 2 years of not dating, I was embarrassed at that fact that it was. With all that being said, I’ve come to the point of understanding that forgiveness isn’t a choice but is necessary for healing.

Where’s Your Truth?

I was hurt and did not think that it was okay to admit it. As a defense mechanism, I’ve learned over the years to shrug things off because I felt like my feelings weren’t valid. I acted as if nothing phased me and I could care less if a person left or stayed in my life. 

Lies.

I was hurting and developed feelings for this person which is natural when you invest in a relationship. Admitting the truth was the first step.

Forgiveness is Like a Breath of Fresh air 

Secondly, I forgave the guy I dated but I did not forgive myself. I hate playing the victim role and I hold myself accountable for the mistakes I made. The sad part was that I started to carry around a load of guilt. This guilt affected the way I viewed myself. I kept thinking that I could’ve avoided the entire situation. I kept replaying what I should’ve done. I had to realize that things played out the exact way God intended them to. I could’ve done some things differently but I didn’t. I could’ve said some things but I didn’t. I had to let go of the what ifs and move on. Now I’m at the point where I forgive myself for being vulnerable in the wrong situation. I forgave myself for failing to not make the same mistake again.

Focusing on Moving Forward 

Healing is a process and without doing this properly, you can jeopardize your progress. Hurt stunts your growth. I lost interest in the things that brought me joy. I was lethargic. 

I had to get back to me. 

So I returned to my fitness routines, writing and volunteering. Doing this shouldn’t be motivated by a “I’m going to let him see what he is missing attitude” which I had a first lol but should be motivated by loving yourself. Loving yourself means embracing that you are not perfect and that life can’t be perfect. You take the ups and downs and move forward knowing that nothing you experience is in vain.

Much Love,

The Wanderer 💜

Transformation 

Seasons of growth require us to be uncomfortable with our current state. God has a funny way of shaking things up to get you in His will. I’m learning to trust the process no matter how unsure it may feel at times.

One of my favorite spoken word artist stated, 

Just like the moon, we all go through phases…life is a maze but life is amazing

Life is just that. Amazing! 

Through the ups and downs, peaceful and turbulent seasons of our lives, this journey of becoming is wonderful. Circumstances don’t dictate our happiness. People don’t dictate our happiness. Let go of the past and allow change to take place in your heart. Embrace life and allow yourself to be amazed. 

Last Call 

I wanted more than you were willing to offer

You’ve proven my fears to be correct 

I can only thank you for your honesty even though my pride was the payment 

I shed tears that night…our last call 

I was angry for allowing myself to be vulnerable again- open to someone who had no intentions of loving me 

One day I won’t be a thought. The moments we shared will disappear from your memory with time and separation.

Finalizing the end of it all